Chicken Soup for the Laid-Off Soul by David Denton

Go ahead and blow your wad. No really, it's ok.

I was at work one night doing something close to nothing, but different than the day before (Yeah, you guessed it, my boss was Mr. McGee.) eBeth called me from her cell phone. She was in her car and headed over. "I need some help picking up something from the loading docks" she said. "I'm down," I replied. "Great, I'll be there in 5 minutes." Of course I was down. eBeth is my girl. I've got her back and she's got mine. No hesitation. No questions asked.

One question though, "What are we picking up at the docks?"

It turns out the recently laid-off eBeth had purchased a kayak. Not just any kayak mind you, but a QCC Kayak. One custom made kayak to her specifications and body dimensions. Now I don't know kayaks, but I know this was a very nice kayak. It was also, however, a very expensive kayak.

How could someone who had just been laid-off go out spending this kind of money? Doesn't she know how bad the economy is? Doesn't she know how bad the job market is? What was the thought process here? (Never mind, where was she going to keep it since she lives in an apartment?)

I just don't get it. How could she be so irresponsible? Then I remembered my oh-so necessary purchase of a Fender Acoustic/Electric Bass shortly after my most recent layoff. I also remember my roommate buying a brand new computer for gaming after he was released on waivers. I have another friend who purchases a new car every time he gets laid-off. Could we have spent our eminently dwindling war-chest more wisely? Probably not. Here's why...

A big ticket purchase shortly after a layoff serves two transcendent purposes.

The first is the obvious one; it makes us feel good. It justifies why we work. It does no good to slave week in and week out without ever realizing the fruits of our labor. This newfound playtoy will help deal with the impending bitterness that follows such a dastardly act of personal betrayal -- company downsizing. Psychologically it puts us in a good place by satisfying the Pleasure Principle (Do I link to Freud or Janet Jackson's Control album?)

The second and less obvious benefit is it depletes the cash reserves faster thus forces us to hit the job market again sooner. It's very easy to wallow in self-pity after a layoff. After the initial "this isn't goodbye and it sucks to work here anyway" goodbye parties with your former co-workers (who still have their jobs) you'll eventually, if unemployed long enough, begin to get off a schedule of sleeping and showering regularly (brb…gotta get a shower.) You'll also start to lose touch with humanity briefly. I know all this sounds like a gradual yet eventual slip into a dark level of insanity, but essentially, it's like anything else, the longer you're away, the harder it is to go back.

Now you've spent all this time working building your cash reserves for this "rainy day." If you take the gradual approach and let them deplete naturally over time, some months later you'll start looking for a job. You'll have gone through the same amount of money only it'll be harder to get back on the horse. What I'm proposing is to accelerate that process and get something cool to play with in the meantime. You remember in college when you actually started your term paper at 3:00 am. You were working on it all night but you didn't really "start" it until 3:00 am. Most people don't act until faced with a deadline. A big ticket purchase will help you see that deadline a lot sooner and get you moving on your new career. Unless you think you can find a way to get paid kayaking.

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»  The Very Best of Prince
»  QCC Kayaks
»  Fender Acoustic/Electric Bass
»  "Beyond the Pleasure Princple" by Sigmund Freud