All Single Guys Are Gay by Scott O'Malley

Or at least it seems that way.

If you’re a woman who chooses to be single, you’re a strong-minded, heroic ode to Ms. Steinem, qualified to wear a gilded “Mary Tyler Moore” hat. If you’re a guy you’re gay. No questions asked, literally. And this doesn’t even include the obvious camp of guys who, unlike me, actually enjoy dancing and have a sense of style.

Now, this is an uncontrollable attitude prevalent in the zeitgeist, and there’s really nothing said single male can do about it. (Be sure to insert Seindfeld-esque “Not that there’s anything wrong with that” lines, at will, throughout, where appropriate.) It seems the gossip-mongers fall into two categories.

First, there’s the city-dwelling folk hell-bent on quenching their insatiable need to be considered socially-evolved. The cosmopolitan office worker searches for gay friends in the same way the documentary filmmaker searches for a Hispanic transvestite with a heart of gold and a military father, or like when I was a kid I searched for a Black best friend so I could show the world I wasn’t racist. The mere suggestion, in this case, that so and so is gay (this would be an ideal place to insert one of those Seinfeld quotes), exhibits how “open, diverse, and/or evolved” the person suggesting it is. The response, of course, is completely secondary, if heard at all.

The second camp resides within the herd of friends of the single male. Packs of guy friends function as molecules, in that they’re always searching for the equilibrium. So, if one, through divine intervention, happens to succeed in sustaining a girlfriend he will try to force the rest of the bunch into a similar quandary, er I mean, era of intimate bliss. On the flip side, like in “Saving Silverman,” the hurt and confused friends will secretly try to sabotage the relationship. Losing electrons or gaining protons, it doesn’t matter, what matters is that the social circle yearns for a state of consistency, like a well-poured Guinness.

In this bizarre analogy, the single electrons choosing to spin independently are like Mr. Smiths from “Reloaded,” they’re anomalies in the code. The pack of domesticated (perhaps castrated) friends use the gay questioning as a manipulative tool. It’s a classic Heineken Deuce-Deuce, read: 22 oz., read Catch-22- if the person rejects the charge he’s in denial, if he derides it he’s close-minded and homophobic.

Of course, it can be said, “Who cares?” And that’s probably the right response, but the ludicrous investigation here is useful because it leads to a much grander take-home-trinket. We’re the generation borne from a historic and unprecedented divorce rate. Graciously, I was fortunate enough to be raised by two loving parents, but we all know friends and relatives who have not experienced such fortitude. Out of this, our generation is steadfast and determined not to repeat the mistakes of the previous. Therefore, “serious” is the mustard to the pastrami of our relationships. In other words, it’s commitment at all costs.

Juxtapose this with the fact that we’re the second generation growing in the post sexual liberation era. We’ll never experience (and make movies about) a Summer of ’69, since serious and destructive diseases interjected the once strange concept of responsibility. Hence, contraceptives were introduced on a go-forward basis in the sexually open environment. Fine, whatever, it’s a choice for each individual, and a debate for families, but consider the following formula:

Commitment at all costs + Pre-marital sex = Generation of Serious Relationships.

I’ve heard there was a time when people just dated. Casually, even. Think “American Graffiti,” and add corny phrases like “going steady,” plus images of two straws and one milkshake. These days, there’s no such thing. And the point here isn’t about how people should date, it’s to briefly show the difference between the current scene and what preceded it.

It seems, then, that a natural and sensible action of one living in the Gen

related links	contact the author | send this to a friend
»  The Mary Tyler Moore Show
»  American Graffiti
»  Zeitgesit
»  Comedian
»  Johnny's Pastrami
»  Scorpio