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| My Pimp Hand is Strong by David Denton |
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| Are you a Pimp or a Ho? Which role isn't as important as knowing your role. |
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 Once, on a first date with a much younger collegiate counterpart, a conversation about career arose. Nothing special here, typical first date material. “What do you do?” “What do you want to do?” “How do you think you’re going to change the world?” Apparently, between my “this is what I used to do and this is what I do now” speech, I said something along the lines of, “Well, you’re either the pimp or the ho.” The reaction was not what I would have expected – a polite giggle or wily smirk. Instead, I had, in Tim Burton-like fashion, sent images of broken dreams and shattered sensibilities to this young maiden. The line greatly offended her. Maybe it was the age gap. Maybe it was her lack of experience. Maybe it was the conservative Orange Country upbringing. Whatever the source, I was expected to explain my position.
I proceeded to spout the jaded, cynical point of view that, like it or not, life is a dirty business. In every work-related situation, you are either calling the shots or having them called for you. Thus, you’re either a pimp or ho. She contemptuously asked, “So what are you?” I replied, “Sometimes I’m a pimp and sometimes I’m a ho, but I always keep my pimp hand strong.”
Needless to say, this date was effectively over. The rift occurred at pre-dinner coffee (my first experience with Big Train Chai Tea to be exact – try it, there’s none better) and effectively ended any chance of a second date. But since I’d taken off work early and driven some 1 ½ hours down to Orange County, I was determined to have dinner before I headed home to the South Bay. Regardless of how many hints she dropped, or how many thinly veiled attempts to make this awkward date end prematurely – I was gonna get my grub. I contend driving hungry sucks.
Now the fact of the matter is this girl was naïve. Thought to her credit, she’s not alone. College kids believe in an equitable work environment because they have yet to burst their bubbles in the real world. The sooner you realize how the game is played, the sooner you’ll be playing those who haven’t. This isn’t to say that bosses know the game better than their workers. There are plenty of extraneous factors, but this is one variable you can’t eliminate from the equation. If you’re uncomfortable with the concept, join the Peace Corps and lie yourself to sleep each night.
If you’re fresh out of college, you’re probably a ho- unless you’ve been given a job at daddy’s law firm. So now what? The answer lies in observing the pimp/ho relationship. Here’s how it works:The pimp has several girls. These girls belong to him and work the street turning tricks. The pimp provides protection from other pimps and any other threat to his interests. The girls, in turn, give the pimp a cut of the money in exchange for the services rendered. The girl that sticks around the longest and makes him the best money becomes his number one girl. He takes care of this girl. She keeps him happy and gets the best customers and is given the most rewards like drugs, jewelry, and possibly a place in the pimp’s bed. (Read “Pimp” by Iceberg Slim if you want learn the whole game) It’s important to understand the pimp rewards loyalty and good performance. This doesn’t mean becoming the “office bitch.” It means making yourself invaluable by recognizing that your boss is someone else’s ho. Help your boss become the number one girl and you, in turn, will become his/her number one girl. So whatever your role is, find a way to take the lead. If your job is making the office coffee, make them love your coffee.
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