Where My Dogs At? by Scott O'Malley

Or, more specifically, where they aren't.

As an aspiring screenwriter in Los Angeles I’m supposed to read the trades- “Variety” & “Hollywood Reporter." I’m also supposed to watch mediocre movies like “Swimming with Sharks” and read or attend the myriads of “How to’s in Hollywood” so I can “make it.” Now this canon of crap is great essay fodder for our career section, because most are sophisticated descriptions of the College Frat System, Hollywood’s Habeas Corpus . Essentially they explain how to appease being treated like scum with the expectation of one day earning the privilege to treat others like scum. In an industry with limited tangible crafts- writing, acting, directing and crew, acceptance in the outer office requires a simple sacrifice: integrity. But that’s another essay for another time, this one’s about some Inattentive Testosterone Tuners.

“Testosterone tuneout has nets fretting,” was a Variety headline a few weeks ago. Interesting to note here how the trades invented their own language. “Veep exits Mouse, pens biopic on ankling new net.” Translation: “An executive left Disney to write an autobiography about starting a TV company.” They run the same stories everyday, only the words change. My guess is that the inventive vocabulary captivates the Variety staff more than their audience. But that’s just me. In any case, the original example means, “Guys aren’t watching network TV.” And for bibliographical purposes, a much similar article graced the pages of “Time.”

The Variety article then delves a bit into why this is happening, and suggests that the rise in video games, DVD sales, and testosterone targeted cable channels like ESPN and Spike TV, are stealing slices from the networks’ tofu shepherd’s pie (microwavable). They also mention the saturation of shows like “American Idol,” “Geriatric Park,” and “Eve.” (Just seeing if you’re still awake with the second one.) Honestly, I’d never heard of “Eve,” and a quick Google search revealed a massive online gaming site (eve-online) and teen magazine of the same name, no TV show. So they have a point. Surely the new media- video games, DVD purchases, and I would add blogs, are pulling men from the tube. And the “Eves” are all there too. And the “World Series of Poker” (on ESPN) and the “Most Extreme Elimination Challenge” (on Spike TV) are the best things since wheat bread came sprouted. Of course, they don’t mention the fact that if guys are fleeing to ESPN and Spike TV then it seems fair to say the same or more number of women are lost to Lifetime and TLC. But I cede the point. These are little thoughts explaining what’s happening on the surface.

The reason guys are M.I.A. and the networks haven’t a clue is much deeper. Like, it’s-time-to-clean-under-the-bed-type deeper.

The current crop of television writers and producers, unlike their predecessors, studied their craft at college. In the early days, most TV writers stemmed from radio and theatre. TV was the black sheep of the literate world. It wasn’t until the Steven Bochcos came along with “Hill Street Blues” and “St. Elsewhere” that TV shows started garnering respect amongst the sophisticated culture elite, who I like to call the Culture Hawks (jingle: “lite on war, ferocious on culture”).

But these days it’s different. Ivy league grads brew into the TV industry like bottomless cups of Joe at a Petro. They bring a logic-based, deconstructive, self-reflective style.

What’s that mean? Filmmaker John Sayles was asked his thoughts on film school and he said, “Well you have bunch of film students making movies about moviemaking.” Same applies to TV. It’s commonly accepted that our academia swims in the fish tanks of liberalism. Hence, and I’m not saying anything new here, most of the young trained industry talent is passionately left-leaning in their worldview.

Great. Super. Fine, whatever. But I’ll take it a step further, clean-under-the-fridge-type further, to my point (yes, finally): Libe

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