COBRA! by Scott O'Malley

Destro could do it... with three rare minerals spread around the world.

The worst part about getting dumped - and by “getting dumped” I mean American History X kneel-down and bite the curb dumped - isn’t the abject humiliation; it’s the sudden loss of a scarce etheric mineral: momentum. Entering the single arena after a respectable hibernation, said single male immediately notes its absence. While said single female intuitively records the downgrade. A friend advised, “the best time to look for a new job is after your first day at work… the best time to look for a new girlfriend is after a successful first date…” The point: capitalize on momentum.

Bitterness aside, he's referring to casual dating. Or, the search for the one that matters. Continuing with the career metaphor, these are the jobs you leverage to qualify for the dream job.

The dating world seems like a bullish stock market - prices leapfrog until someone yells “Stop!” followed by a quick sell-off. The hope is the new low is higher than the previous low – the difference is growth. But in these times the stock needs another spark. It needs the transfer or summation of momentum. Hence, the COBRA.

What's COBRA? It’s “a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to rule the world.” Started in the late 70s by a Mephistophelean leader… actually not that one. The more relevant acronym is the Consolidated – Omnibus – Bee- Rrr Act on health provisions. Basically if you’re laid-off, COBRA allows you to keep your health plan temporarily. The hope is you land another job, or stop looking (which people tend to do these days).

Here’s the scenario. Somehow, guy gets into a relationship. In recognition, the higher powers that Be lavish him with a potent mojo. (Atheists may pretend I speak of the higher powers that Aren’t Quite.) This mojo is the keystone to the following observation: girls are more attracted to guys with girlfriends. Three reasons:

First, “they’re already good enough for someone.” We use this logic all the time. The maxim “get your foot in the door” is a direct manifestation of it. We prefer to have others think for us in situations demanding a subjective response.

In Hollywood, the screenwriter who has sold a script is valued over the wanna-be hacks because someone decided a long time ago that this particular wanna-be hack was deserving of the title (cue: Angelic music) Screenwriter, regardless of whether the script was actually produced and in some cases whether it’s any good (meritocracy Hollywood is not, who’s bitter?). Other titles apply- Manager, Vice-President, Beer Bitch.

There’s risks associated with this initial decision, so people seek to avoid it. There’s hurt associated with testing a rogue single guy, so girls seek to limit it.

Second, the competition. This is the DMZ (de-maled zone) oft talked about, seldom written about, Mason-like society of chick cat-fighting. By all accounts broads are fierce and feisty, “If you only knew…” they claim. It seems the single female studies the guy’s girlfriend and arrives at one of two conclusions:

1. He deserves better than her.
2. I should be with him.

Third, the foundation has been laid (literally, perhaps). The hitched hombre was liberated from the wolf pack of single hounds, i.e. his friends. In other words, he knows where to find and how to use the litterbox. Girls understand the necessity and effort in severing the pack, so someone already poached is an attractive item, like a well-trained kitten, shots and all.

(Tangent: This thought devolves from a basic construction of human social grouping based on Lee Harris’ prescient “Civilization and its Enemies.” Detailing the roots of Western civilization, Harris notes two models of human groupings: the family and the adolescent male gang. Without getting into too much detail, and further trivializing Harris’ profound work- if you consider all societies, even our “evolved” contemporary times, they reflect a combination of these two socia

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