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| The Essays | Wednesday, September 08, 2010 |
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 “That #*%@ is seeing someone!” is a subtle post break-up reaction, describing how you’re girlfriend immediately starting dating another dude. Guys limp back to their caucus of single hounds (see the essay, “Cobra!”). Broads, on the other hand, nose-dive back into a relationship. Not a real one by any stretch. He’s the Intern Boyfriend – a guy who does the dirty work, and they don’t pay him for it.Before defining this “illustrious” observation, it’s important to distinguish it from the rebound relationship. The Rebound (fill-in-Rrr-alliteration) is in the zeitgeist –everybody knows what it’s about. So there’s no need to embellish it here except to say folks enter rebound relationships with sincere intentions. They honestly believe they’re over said girlfriend, boyfriend, partner, mammal, etc – only to discover in six months they’re on the downward spiral of a stand-up roller coaster after pounding a Bratwurst burger and Aussie cheese fries. In other words, they want out. With the Intern Boyfriend there’re no delusions from the get-go. It’s like an internship for college credit as opposed to a temp-for-hire. For the latter flirts with commitment, while the former frames a social contract – one does the dirty work, the other pads the resume. What’s this dirty work? Protection, borne of a necessity, that is, the necessity of defending herself from relentless suitors. The later the evening the more flagrant guys get. And more humiliating – but we never discuss that. So, the single girl needs a defensive secondary to ward off the pack… or, most of the pack. Most guys abide by the sportsmanship of the nightlife and don’t hit on another guy’s date. It's sorta bad karma. Some will and there’s little remedy, save for resolute rejection by the lady or an impersonation of Mickey Rourke. The bad apples are a by-product of any society, so take comfort in knowing our society denigrates these crack heads to menial crafts, like used car salesman, bath tub remodeler, and producer. (The used car salesman is quite fascinating – To them, the sale is not just a means to put frozen meatloaf on the table, it’s a fabric of their self-esteem. It's an opportunity to showcase their ability to manipulate others, or their power.) The same attitude applies to the guy hitting on your girl. He’s proving his ability to play the game, even if it means sledging the rules. But most of us play by the rules. As such, the Intern Boyfriend is an effective strategy. So you say, “Ok, I get it. But wouldn’t the de novo single lady yearn for attention by a, perhaps potentially more well-endowed bloke?” Of course some do. But others, and I’m not privy to the data (we ain’t big on science here at the TJP, Bill Nye exempted), are hostage to what we’ll call the Pick-up Paradox, bust it: Those characteristics which provide for a desirable mate, are in an indirect ratio to the skills required to successfully acquire said mate.In other words, the type of guy that makes for a solid boyfriend is the type of guy that’s too shy to pick-up a stranger. Or in reverse, the type of guy who flippantly picks-up chicks doesn’t make for the greatest boyfriend. (Herein resides a priceless morsel for the shy guy – act like a used car salesman for the pick-up, then revert to the good ole’ self.) Reminds me of a story: I was at a UCLA bar with two friends. We were out of college by then, but well within the acceptable range of attending college bars without being shamed as cradle raiders. My friend, Z, was stuck on this knockout African-American chick blistering the dance floor. This girl belonged on a yacht in the Marina playing craps with fake money. She was the type of girl that made you wanna wash your car. You get it. Beers turned into shots turned into shots dropped in beers. She danced. He danced. He swerved closer. Their eyes locked... when another girl and three friends a |
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| Writing is arrogant. Not writing is selfish. ©The Juxtaposition |
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